Pulling up to the hospital I had to keep convincing myself that this was really happening. That the next time I step out of this building I'll be bringing home a baby!
Breath. Remember to breath. Is this real? I'm in an elevator purposefully headed to induce pain upon myself. What the heck am I doing?! Oh, right... it's for our baby girl. We need to make sure that she's okay. This is for her health and her safety. Oh my dear baby girl, mama's so nervous, but I can't wait to meet you face to face! I love you little one. Hang in there.
“Hello” greeted the nurses.
I smiled. Try to act like this is no big deal. Don't let them see the terror inside you.
I listened to all of their instructions and followed along. Control your trembling hands Sam! You'll be fine. I was so in my head, I had to keep pulling myself out and find something to keep me calm. Sammy. He was right there, holding my hand. I can lean on him. I know I can. My Mom, she was there giving her full support as well. I'll be okay. Mom went through eight pregnancies herself. I can do it too!
A nurse came in and asked me to lay down so that she could begin hooking me up to the IV drip and the Pitocin. I have this terrifying fear of needles, so my heart sank as I submissively laid down. I turned my head away, taking deep breaths trying not to psych myself out. And then those dreaded words came out of the nurse's mouth "Okay, this is a rather big needle."
Panic. Sheer panic. I can still do this right?
In went the needle. Slowly and painfully it went in. Tears weld up and fell from my eyes. It hurt so badly. She was struggling to get it to fit under my skin just right and apologized for it.
I let out a sniffled "it's all right" as my mom sympathetically stroked my hair.
As much as it hurt, I was trying my best not to feel defeated and disappointed in myself for not being stronger. I was resolved to refuse any pain medication, but if I can't handle a needle how on earth was I going to be able to get through childbirth??
No. None of that. It's over. The pain is almost gone. I will be able to do this. God is on my side. I reminded myself. If I begin to falter than lean on Him. He'll give me the strength I lack. With keeping that in mind I felt me body relax and a genuine smile crept over my face.
"All right you can get up and move around if you like." the nurse said
"Yes I'd love to" I replied energetically.
Throughout my entire pregnancy I stayed as active as my body would allow. I struggled with all day nausea and vomiting during all 3 trimesters. Before becoming pregnant I would spend hours at a time in the gym lifting weights and performing various cardio exercises. To my dismay I had to stop because the nauseous feeling was just too extreme every time I tried. So I resorted to taking long walks with my husband every day after he got home from work. It became my favorite thing and I looked forward to it each day.
For the first couple of hours all that I did was walk up and down the hall holding my
Husbands hand. I looked up at him and studied his handsome features. His dark brown hair and eyes that held a childlike spark, those adorable dimple lines that were just waiting to be beckoned into a full, deep, gorgeous crease, and his very swoon worthy, chiseled jaw line... *sigh* that gets me every time. He’s been so patient, encouraging, selfless and strong through everything. My goodness how I love this man!
I started to feel the contractions. Huh so this is the beginning of labor. Interesting. It started to become uncomfortable but still very manageable. I was warned that once the Pitocin kicks in it'll start and won’t stop with extreme vigor.
I wanted to walk and not stop. It wasn't as bad if I didn't stop. Stephanie needed me to stay in the room however, so that they could monitor everything better now that labor had officially begun.
As things turned from uncomfortable to pain part of it still felt very unreal. There is a baby inside of me! No, impossible. I've felt her kick and it's the most wonderful weird experience...but is it really real? Here comes another contraction. Yup it's real.
Am I really going to be a mom? I pray that I'll be a good one. That I'll know what to do. This has been my dream since I can remember. The contraction comes to an end. My body relaxes. This is for my baby girl. Oh I can't wait to meet her!
The hospital didn't have any birthing pools, so we opted for the room's shower. The water felt good on me skin and tightening tummy. I could've spent the entire time in there honestly, and I hope for my next pregnancy that I'll have a pool option. My time in the shower was cut short unfortunately. As wonderful as it was for me, it wasn't very ideal for anyone else. The belt I was wearing to monitor our baby's heartbeat wasn't cooperating and I needed to leave that blessed shower.
Time became nonexistent. I had no idea how long labor had been going on by now and I didn’t want to know. All I did know was that I was exhausted. I was so out of it, nurses would come and go without my knowledge. Sometimes I thought I heard Stephanie ask me a question, but I couldn’t register it. I was in a haze and kept falling in and out of a sleep. Only waking up to grip my Husband’s hand as each contraction reached its peak.
I started to have extreme back pain, so I knelt over a birthing ball as Sammy put all his weight onto my lower back. The pressure relieved the pain and almost felt good for brief seconds. (Sammy later confided in me saying he was afraid that he was going to break my back. That he literally put all his weight into pushing down and yet I would ask for even more pressure.)
I heard Stephanie’s voice talking to me and I tried to focus.
“Okay Samantha, I am obligated to ask you if you want any pain medication and that this will be your last chance to accept it.”
I could feel another contraction begin to rise. I’ve already gotten this far and I’m still alive, just how much worse could it really get? I was still determined as ever. “No, thank you” I managed to reply in a breathless whisper. I knew the pain would end. I still had this.